


The Weight of After

by Avali



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Could be read as Rex/Ahsoka maybe? Your call, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Huddling For Warmth, Hurt/Comfort, Order 66, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Order 66, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24096796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avali/pseuds/Avali
Summary: After it ends, Rex and Ahsoka grieve together.Spoilers for the last episode of TCW.
Relationships: CT-7567 | Rex & Ahsoka Tano
Comments: 22
Kudos: 110





	The Weight of After

**Author's Note:**

> “And in the middle of the flood  
> I felt my worth  
> When you held onto me  
> like I was your little life raft  
> Please know that you were mine as well.”  
> \--”Daybreak” by Snow Patrol

The wreckage looms over them, impossibly huge, the acrid stench of smoke still hanging thick in the air. 

The only thing thicker is the silence.

It occurs to Rex in this moment that is the first time in his entire life that there is no next step. No mission, no orders. No direction, no purpose.

The scans from the stolen fighter show no life signs other than the two of them. Nobody survived the crash. Nobody. 

Rex doesn’t even know how to feel about this. There’s a dull sense of horror, grief too new and too raw far too large to properly internalize, much less make sense of. Within more immediate reach is a feeling of slight relief that...that it won’t come down to him having to be the ones to stop his brothers from trying to kill him. 

The blasters at his side are still set to stun, but looking at the carnage before him, Rex isn’t entirely sure that the blood isn’t still on his hands.

He turns back to the stolen fighter. One step at a time. First step is to get this thing fixed up. There may not be a long-term mission, but there is at least this. This one step.

#####

The wreckage that surrounds her is cavernous. Ahsoka Tano is no stranger to capital ships, can--could--still make her way around one without thinking about it. 

But seeing one on the ground...puts a new perspective on it, for sure.

This process is almost too dangerous for her. Her senses are dulled, everything inside of her torn to pieces. It’s easier not to think, not to feel.

Instead, she looks for spots of white. Blotches of orange paint that twist inside of her like a knife each and every time. Helmet off, close their eyes, may they find peace in the Force after a lifetime of war. There isn’t much more she can do in terms of a burial. The hum of the lightsaber in her hand--her crystals the same sea blue of Anakin’s lightsabers his eyes Force is he alive, is what Maul said true, is it even possible, where is he why can’t she feel him--feels a little unsteady, but it serves its purpose. Railings here, bits of metal there.

Helmets mounted on each one. Raised. A position of honor. 

The number of them is horrifying.

She doesn’t remember when she started, but it’s getting darker on this moon. How long are the days? How long has she been up here?

This isn’t the first time she’s felt like this. Untethered. When she first walked out of the Jedi temple, there was that same hollow sense of loss. A lack of direction.

But this. This is. Something new, something worse. Leaving the Jedi temple was her choice, a trajectory that only affected her destiny.

But if...the horrifying reality she's been piecing together...is true…

When she leaves this moon, nothing will be the same.

#####

There’s a warm feeling as he walks to the console to get whatever orders are coming in now. For a moment, everything feels...new. A little scary. The war’s almost over. What’s coming next? 

Knowing she considers him a friend--when she is his greatest friend outside of his brothers--is comforting. When this all ends and he has no idea how to be a civilian...maybe she’ll have advice. She had to switch from soldier to civilian too, right?

He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed her until General Skywalker had told him she was returning for a mission. The easy camaraderie, the efficiency of working with her.

There’s a second of clarity as he realizes that whatever this order is...may be the last order he ever receives.

The thought is thrilling. The possibility is terrifying. 

The order comes in directly to him.

This is new.

It comes from the office of the chancellor, but something is horrifically wrong---

Execute Order 66.

The code pulls up in his mind instantly, the brief moment of horror tempered with a pang of relief that at least there are no Jedi on board his ship.

And then the order specifically for him comes.

Time slows down as he finally, finally realizes what Fives was trying to warn them of. The real reason for the inhibitor chip. 

The door opens and she stumbles in. Something is wrong, he can see it on her face--his commander, his friend, hurt--

Traitor.

He tries to shove it down, she can't be a traitor she's not even a Jedi but everything in his mind is fragmented execute the traitor execute the traitor--

With one last shred of clarity, he tries to save his friend, screams for her to follow Fives--

Her eyes widen. Bright blue, like the paint on his armor. It's the last fragment of coherent thought--

TRAITOR. 

He raises his guns.

Good soldiers follow orders.

#####

Darkness has a whole new meaning on a lifeless moon. The night is cloudy. The only light comes from the dying embers of a burning ship.

She hasn't talked to Rex since they landed. She's scavenged some first aid supplies, ration bars, and some all-temperature cloaks, enough for both of them but…

Force, what has she done.

In an attempt to save her own life, she's branded him a traitor to all his brothers, taken everything from him, killed an entire ship of people. Destroying the inhibitor chip had made so much sense in the moment, but was...was that the best choice? It was for her, but for him?

And was her own life truly worth releasing Maul, killing everyone what has she done--

Her initial response had been straight panic, nothing but pure survival instincts. Her second was to save as many as she could. After the crash, a hollow feeling of the grief that drowns.

Now, in this moment...regret. She wraps her arms more tightly around the supplies in her arms.

There is...no way to process this.

It's too dark to keep searching the wreckage. She needs to check on Rex, give him some ration bars. Apologize. Force, she has to apologize.

She hasn't realized how cold she is until she leaves the shelter of the ship. She takes one of the cloaks, ties it around her neck. Stalls a little longer.

Rex is sitting outside the ship. She senses him before anything else, a strange mix of pensiveness and hollow, empty dread. 

It reverberates through her, an echo, harmony in a symphony of sorrow, played by a duet of two.

She hesitates, stops, unsure--

He turns to face her. Takes off his helmet. 

Another moment, frozen in time.

"You need to rest," Rexs says after a second that stretches into eternity. There is no malice in his voice, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

"Right," she echoes, staring down at the collection of necessities in her arms. She kneels down, spreads out one of the two blankets, organizes her stash. "I brought dinner."

"Always figured we'd have a real dinner after the war," he says, and normally she can read him even with the helmet and voice modulator but right now, she has nothing. Nothing. She's finally found the bottom of what everyone thought was an endless source of optimism, because for once--

Rex stops--why does everything inside her hurt, feel like its twisting up, caught somewhere in her lungs, hard to breathe--and moves in her direction. She stares down at his feet instead, unable to meet his eyes, and she knows she needs to say it, needs to apologize, but talking right now seems impossible, she can't even breathe\--

"Commander?" Rex asks.

"Not anymore," she whispers. Talking was a mistake. She pushes her hands against her eyes, wet again, how is this not out of her system already after hours of doing this for every clone she memorialized--

"Right," he says. She can imagine him, one hand on the back of his head like he always does when he's thinking, and her breathing catches again in something like a hiccup--

She feels him sit beside her, bumping his shoulder against hers--

"I'm so sorry," she finally manages to get out, and it's more a gasp than anything else. She isn't even sure if he can understand what she's saying. "I didn't even ask\--"

A gloved hand on her arm and she flinches, memories of defending herself on that holo-receiver too close and then she feels worse for that--

"It's not like you could have, you know," he says. It's kind and gentle and she doesn't deserve it. "I wasn't exactly listening."

"I ruined your entire future," she whispered. "I took everything from you."

She finally looks over at him. He doesn't look angry, just tired.

"You gave me the freedom to choose," he finally says after a long moment. "There were plenty of times in there I could have turned you in and saved myself but...Fives was right. I'd rather stand with him, with you, with what's right\--" he pauses, staring off, and she hastily wipes at her eyes while he looks away. "I was created for one purpose, one future. At least you gave me the option to finally choose my own."

His eyes meet hers and the sides of his mouth quirk up into the closest thing to a smile either of them could possibly do right now. The tightness in her chest eases slightly.

"Thank you," she says, finally able to look him in the eyes. He looks puzzled. "For standing with me."

"Nowhere else I'd rather be."

#####

The ration bars are surprisingly fresh, as much as prepackaged food could be.

He's sure Ahsoka doesn't want to eat either but years of war have trained them to get past things like that. Eat when you can or die hungry. What a life lesson.

"Is this all you found?" Rex asks, gesturing to the remainder of the bars. She nods. Both of them know it won't last long.

"We'll need to leave soon," she says. Her voice is so much quieter than usual. He hates seeing her so resigned, defeated.

"After we rest first," he reminds her. He's lost track of the last time he slept properly. Maybe he never did. A tired soldier is a dead soldier. Another life lesson. Seems like all his life lessons end up with soldiers dying. 

"Right," she echoes. She keeps drawing the cloak closer around her. The wind bites at his face, so he knows it's cold, but she's definitely not dressed for spending the night on a deserted cold moon. 

To be fair, it wasn't exactly part of the plan.

"What do you think is going on out there?"

Ahsoka doesn't answer. Closes her eyes.

"The Order has fallen," she says. Her voice sounds dead. He can still hear the echoes of other conversations, her "not yet" to Yoda, the moment he had hoped that maybe she'd return sooner rather than later, that he'd see her more often. "Beyond that, I just don't know."

He wants to ask about General Skywalker, but he can somehow feel the pain radiating off of her. It's been a strange sensation, the feel of her inside his periphery, ever since that moment in the medbay.

There is likely no need to ask about General Skywalker. After all, the momentary glitch that allowed Ahsoka to escape was probably not to common across the galaxy, especially for any Jedi fighting in an open area with all their troops.

He's been nothing but a weapon all along, him and his brothers pawns in a war that didn't even matter--

Ahsoka lays a hand on his arm, squeezes gently, and he let's that train of thought die. 

"The Outer Rim will probably be a safer place to go," she says after a moment. "Places we haven't been, ones not really involved in the war. From there, we can watch the news and...assess the damage."

It's strange, this tiny cocoon they're in. They may be the only beings who don't know what's going on out there. 

"Right. Got any ideas?"

She pauses, closes her eyes, no doubt going through years of study and planets and missions.

"The beginning," she murmurs, but he isn't quite sure what she means by that. "Tatooine. And then we can figure out the next step from there," she adds, grinning a little at his clear distaste. 

"Always hoped retirement would be more glamorous," Rex says dryly. "Envisioned living out my last days somewhere like Naboo."

"We are definitely not going to Naboo," she laughs, and though there's still plenty of pain in it, his heart lifts a little at the sound of it. 

"Any thoughts of where we'll go after that?" Rex asks, hoping that the earnest hope in his voice is not too overwhelming, the 'we' in that sentence too obvious.

She smiles a little, then closes her eyes.

#####

Two traitors to the Republic, a defecting clone and a once-Jedi Togruta. What a pair they make.

How much they'll stand out. 

Ahsoka knows there is no way they'll be able to stay together.

#####

Even unconscious is uncomfortable.

99% of him is calm, collected, in charge and focused on the mission.

But somewhere within him, the 1% screams and rails and cuts at his awareness like the jagged edge of broken armor.

And then, he feels her.

Everything within him screams to wake up, she's close, follow orders, execute the traitor, execute order 66, be a good soldier, follow, follow--

And then...something different. 

There's a certain heaviness of presence, like being covered with a heavy blanket, like something that should be calming but isn't because the other presence is terrified. His mind calms for a moment--if there's a threat, he needs to neutralize it--

Memories.

They feel strange, like something is off with the perspective. He seems taller in these memories, a little more heroic, like the way he'd always wanted to see himself--

Ahsoka is in all of them. Shared memories. And quickly he realizes that these memories are not as he remembers them, but as she does. 

Him guiding her through learning to lead, them saving each others' asses in battle, laughing about Skywalker and Kenobi, memories, memories--

Traitor. Follow orders.

He somehow feels the order, feels it like molten lava in his veins--

And then her voice cuts through the storm, like a cool breeze--

I am one with the Force, and the Force is with me.

It's a mantra he's heard her whisper under her breath in plenty of sticky situations, something akin to a prayer.

It...is something he picked up after she left, hoping whatever Force she invoked could help him too.

And her presence gives him something to hold on to, something other than the Order, and he holds on to it, repeats the mantra, focuses on nothing but her and holding on--

There. 

Something slides into place, and suddenly his perception opens up, the Order abruptly ends, and everything--

In that moment, there are no limits, and Rex feels infinite.

#####

It takes them a bit to figure out the best way to handle sleeping arrangements.

At first, they each take a blanket. No stranger to the cold, Ahsoka lays down in the corner and rolls herself into a tight burrito. Rex sets his helmet to scan for life forms and sound an alarm to her comm if something appears.

Both know it's unnecessary, but neither say anything about it.

She watches as he lays his blanket out, lays on half of it, and folds it over with military neatness.

The planet was fine in the light, but without the sun, she is so. Kriffing. Cold. Between the blanket-cocoon and the hooded cloak, only her nose peeks out, and she's still shivering. 

"You know, this is all pointless if we die of hypothermia," Rex reminds her, and she makes an undignified scoffing sound that she knows she's picked up from Obi-Wan at some point. It takes a moment for her to unroll, but she finally does and wanders over to him. He opens his blanket and she lays down beside him, spreading her blanket over both of them.

Using the Force to tuck it around them is probably what Master Windu would deem an "inappropriate application of the Force" but she has long since stopped caring what the Council thinks. 

Windu--like the rest of the council--is likely dead now.

She presses herself closer to Rex, who wraps an arm around her.

It takes them a minute to figure this out, but they finally do, both of them facing each other, clinging together for warmth, for some sort of shelter from the hellish direction their lives have suddenly taken. Rex's chin rests on the area between her two montrals.

It's funny. When she'd first been deployed to Anakin, the clones had all seemed so old. Knowledgeable veterans, adults to turn to, a little intimidating and imposing. 

Somewhere along the war, she realized they were basically the same age. In fact, she was a little bit older. 

Maybe that's when she'd started considering them all friends. 

"What's on your mind?" he asks. She can feel his voice vibrating as he speaks. It's not like she hasn't spent battlefield evenings curled up between Anakin and Obi-Wan, but this feels different. 

"We're pretty much the same age," she whispers. She has no idea why. It's not like there's anyone else to wake up.

He pauses a moment, then laughs, a quiet little rumble that reverberates through her.

"I guess we are."

#####

"You're the only reason I survived," she whispers at some point in the night. 

He's not sure if he was supposed to hear it or not, but he's been conditioned to wake up at the slightest noise, so he definitely does hear it, and it fills him with a sense of pride tinged with pain. He was never sure of what his value would be if he weren't a soldier, but here, in all of this, he finds worth in that statement. 

He considers for just one moment what would have happened if she had just tried to escape. Had left him with his brothers.

Being 99% okay.

With the one shred left of his consciousness, his self-awareness, his humanity screaming and raging against everything--

"You saved me too," he whispers back.

The next day will bring travels to the Outer Rim. The days after will likely bring them even farther apart.

But for now, Rex chooses to live in this moment and draws his best friend a little closer to him, feeling the pounding of her heart echoing his own, lost in the sense of nothing but her.

They are alive.

And the sun will rise again.

**Author's Note:**

> WELP THE WHOLE LAST SEASON OF TCW HAS KILLED ME SO HERE WE ARE
> 
> Comments/kudos/whatever appreciated I love knowing I'm not shouting into a void lol
> 
> Stay safe! ♡


End file.
